The Web Haunt of Ryan K Lindsay

1) My mother once: cooked hand-cut chips in the oil cooker. It wasn’t until after serving them that she realized she hadn’t poured oil into the cooker, it was apple cordial. She laughed so hard that I knew it was the only thing holding back the tears. It’s always been that way with my mother.

2) Never in my life: have I felt like such a writer. I have a structure and a schedule and I generally stick to it. I am not constantly interrupted by hangovers that need movie days in the dark and Doritos and smokey barbeque sandwiches to cure them. I achieve goals and I am moving through the processes. It’s all very cool.

3) When I was five: my father passed away. I can remember certain parts of that morning, and the rest of the year. Not the greatest time in the world, but nonetheless a great piece of who I am right now, and why. How quickly twenty more years can then fly by.

4) High school was a: time when I could have tried harder; written more. I rested on my laurels like they were a beanbag in a hash den. I got by, but each year just a little less, so that when I finished I was no longer number one, when I could and should have been. Though, I did get to read some awesome books and watch some sick flicks.

5) I will never forget: the first time I read certain books. There is nothing like the first time of any book. That’s why sex is so much better. Sex can, and should, get better with time, it can change, but rarely can you read a book a second time and enjoy it anywhere like you did the first time. I wish I could wipe certain books from my memory just to find them again and have that virginal moment once more.

6) I once met: a girl at a club I didn’t want to go to. I hadn’t seen her in six years. I went up and started chatting to her and her friend. A few hours later I gave her my shirt because it was cold out. That was the excuse to meet up again. We did meet up again, nearly every week, with five hours each way on the road, for a year. Then we moved in together. Now we’ll be married in less than two months.

7) There’s this person I know who: just tells a story like a madman. He’ll have everyone holding on each breath, and he’ll know just how to pace it. He’s also got a cracker chest full of real pearlers, funny ass shit. Then he and I get together and it all hits the fan. We tell stories bloody well, we bounce off each other too perfectly, to the point where we have been described as brothers, and we have been involved in some seriously nasty and hilarious business. I can’t even repeat what it is we have done, you’d need to buy me a few beers before that would happen, but I sometimes wonder if I could start up a website just filled with stories from peoples’ college and university experiences. That would be some funny writing indeed…

Once, at a bar: I jumped the bar and hid behind a piece of wall while the bartender wasn’t looking. I grabbed a promotional singlet off the wall and stuffed it into my pants. I then ran down to the end of the bar and made a daring leap, face first, over it into a roll (no shit, apparently Drunk Ryan has mad skills). I still have that singlet.

9) By noon I’m usually: at work watching kids work with mathematical equations. If it’s the holidays, then by noon I’m usually sitting at the computer writing/blogging/reading email-twitter/surfing the net/reading webcomics, but mostly writing something. It’s the best way to spend a day.

10) Last night I: actually went to bed early, which means half past 9. Because I wake at 5 every morning I’m usually tired, but I’ll push through and work/read till about half of ten, or even eleven. By the end of the week I’m trashed and gloriously catch up on it all through Saturday and Sunday morning sleep ins (which are only until about 8 or 9, but compared to 5 it’s the middle of the day). Last night was I was tired, and I didn’t see any need to fight it. I had one of those days and bed just seemed like the best choice. I am thankful for it this morning.

11) If only I had: more time (surely everyone thinks that). Right now my to do list consists of; get two novels picked up by agents; get one novel proofed; proof all short stories and see if an anthology could be pitched; find an artist for my webcomic proposal; make notes and plan my next novel of which I have a rough idea/concept, an elevator pitch, but I need some meat on them bones; shop around a short film script I have written; right a biography script that I am really keen on, so I have to finish the main biography to comb for notes; not to mention write my wedding vows. On top of all that most of the time I want to surf the net to check out; other blogs (my brother’s, Duane Swierczynski’s, Rol’s, Joe Hill’s); get the comic news from The Weekly Crisis, then CBR; check the news on SMH, and generally surf to see what’s awesome out there in the wwInterweb. I’d also like to finish reading Matt Fraction’s run on the Punisher, which I am close to doing after getting all issues for a steal on eBay, then finish Day Keen’e Hard Case Crime classic, Home Is The Sailor. After that I have about a dozen books that are on the short list to be read, not to mention I have about a half dozen comic trades I want to pick up and read. I have four more seasons of The Wire to watch, plus the first season of the British Life On Mars to watch. If I had more time then I could fit all of that in, plus my day job and most importantly a fiancee who I truly love and want to have time to relax with. Man, more time should be a commodity we could purchase, wouldn’t that be awesome.

12) Next time I go to church/temple: will be a rare occasion as I never go, and never need to go. My wedding will be out in a golf club, and i don’t expect to have anyone die soon (knock on wood!). I have never been religious, I just don’t see the draw in it for me. I live a good life, relatively, and don’t need some faceless omniscient being to tell me where the bear shit in the buckwheat.

13) Terri Schiavo: are two random proper nouns that I have never seen placed side-by-side ever in my life. I wonder what they could represent…

14) I like: lime milkshakes. I can’t remember where this absurd pleasure came from, but hot damn if they aren’t refreshing on a sweltering day. Every time I drink one everyone turns their nose up at it but I have never had anyone try it and not like it. People can be so judgmental sometimes. I get the same response from Vegemite and honey on toast, or ice-cream on toast (it’s like waffles, especially with peanut butter on that there toast) but as soon as someone tries it they see the light. Why people don’t trust me more I’ll never know.

15) When I turn my head left, I see: A print out of the Daredevil #105 cover. It has Daredevil reflected in the mask of Mister Fear and is a piece of art by supreme artist, Marko Dkurdjevic. It is a great image, so beautifully rendered, and I have it as my phone background as well. There’s some other stuff but I won’t bore you, no one wants to know about the contents of my desk (then why did I blog about it last week…?). Anyway, moving on, 16, where are you?

16) When I turn my head right, I see: A futon with one red, possibly Chinese themed, cushion weirdly tying the room together and a binch of comics next to it. I have a wooden chest with my family tartan on the top, and within it are the comics of my youth, Vault of Horrors, and other EC gems, old Venom comics, stuff like that. On the chest I have more comics, and a few books. There is also a Dave Matthews Band tour poster on the wall from when I saw them about two or more years ago.

17) You know I’m lying when: I apparently sort of bite my lip or something. My missus say she can pick it out every time. I’m not so certain about that because I know when I have to lie that I am the absolute master. Matt Murdock couldn’t catch me out.

18) In junior school: (does this mean primary school?) I was a massive nerd, yet was still relatively popular. I would read books all the time and talk about comics and movies and yet I always had a huge gang of friends; who were probably nerds like me, looking back in retrospect. But they were good times, and I also had a wicked three-point shot on me. I was a little B.J. Armstrong, and I just wish I knew where that shot went because it most certainly did not stick around.

19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare: I’d be something from a tragedy for sure. My mind keeps going back to Iago, but I’m not that mean about it. I have a silver tongue and I know how to work people (I’m a teacher, we use like seven different discourses in a day) so I guess he’d be closest to me. And I always seem to be friends with bigger boys (they help in altercations down the local) but skin tone is optional.

20) By this time next year I: would absolutely love to have something published. I don’t even care if it’s my free webcomic, I just want something out there that people can get. If it’s a book in a bargain bin down the local Borders that’s fine by me too. I’m not looking for glory or world domination with a film deal, I just want some validation, and perhaps a little bit of coin to get me through the next few books. I am realistic, if nothing else, with my wants of this world.

21) A better name for me would be: ??? I can’t honestly think of a better name for me. I can think of cool names, but mostly for characters, and I can think of simple aliases I could use, but not a better name. I like my name, I like my initials, I like how my name is said, and how it’s written. When I was younger I hated my name, mostly my middle name that is. Kingsford. It’s lame and long and not a real name at all. All my friends have John or Patrick, I had Kingsford. It was my father’s middle name, and stems from an old ancestor of ours, Charles Kingsford Smith (great Australian aviation figure) and as I grew I slowly came to love my middle name and all I felt it stood for. I now know that my first born will be saddled with this name too. Though, I must admit, I do want to choose just the perfect pseudonym, but all in good time. I’d rather Ryan K Lindsay get published before the next Richard Stark or Richard Bachman.

22) I have a hard time understanding: people who fall back on the excuse that their life has been hard and that is why they are now shit at the game of life. I can’t stand that noise, seriously. You hear kids, and adults, fall back on some sap story that explains why they do the wrong thing. I don’t want to hear it. I know, that means I lack empathy, but I had some tough episodes in life too and I don’t use them as excuses. Except as excuses to rise above them and do more. I know not everyone handles adversity and loss like I do/did, but they need to handle it in some manner, not just use it as the prefect excuse to run hog wild through life, as so many do.

23) If I ever go back to school, I’ll: be the teacher, ever day, for the rest of my career. I don’t know if I could go back and study, unless it was something to do with writing. But I don’t feel, at present, that a writing course would make me any better. I think that writing makes you a better writer, and so I write as much as I can. I’d love to do an Arts degree in history, but just for fun, not to get a job that an Arts degree affords you, like cinema usher or waiter, ha.

24) You know I like you if: I actually want to spend time conversing with you. Whether it’s an email or a conversation down the malthouse for a few sherbets, that’s the code. I generally don’t talk to people I don’t like. The other dead giveaway is I’ll send you a letter, strategically folded, that will ask you if you want to be my friend. Then there will be the word yes with a tick box next to it, and then the word no with a tick box next to that. The envelope will also be cutely designed, just so you’ll know I spent hours getting my message ready just for you, and you’ll never know that I have a whole drawer full of different letters asking the same question that I send to everyone I meet.

25) If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: my mother. It’s lame, and cliche, but it’s the truth. If I didn’t she’d probably beat me down. That, and she’s helped me so much and from so early that she’d have to rate a first mention. After that it all depends on the award I’m winning as to who should help shoulder the burden of acclaim.

26) I hope that: people like what I have to say. I always want someone to walk away remembering something whether it’s a lesson I’ve taught, or a conversation we’ve had, or a story I’ve told or written. I just want to have something interesting to say and get it across to others.

27) Take my advice: try different foods. Rarely will you be disappointed and when you find something you like you’ll wish there was never a time when you were apart. I hate that I was a picky eater as a child because I missed out on all sorts of cool stuff. Now I love every food imaginable, except brussel sprouts. I try them every now and then and I still haven’t developed that palette.

28) My ideal breakfast is: massive. Usually it used to be eggs and bacon, but lately I’ve been constantly Jonesing for a stack of French toast, with loads of cinnamon in the cooking process, drizzled with maple syrup (or even maple-flavoured syrup) and maybe a side of stewed apples, in cinnamon again. A plate of that will start a weekend that could topple an empire.

29) A song I love but do not have is: The Boss’ Highway Patrolman, hot damn that is one fine song. My brother played it for me a year or more ago and I’ve been in love ever since. Bruce Springsteen has one of those voices that just transcends music, he wraps you up in a little cloud and you can lose yourself. It is a shame the next generation hasn’t picked up on him yet, even though they’ll spend time rehashing shit old disco music instead.

30) If you visit my home town, I suggest: you pack some heat. Frankston just went down hill, and is now tunneling into new pockets of depravity. It’s a stink town and I have no real desire to ever travel back there, unless to see specific mates. I love my childhood mates, and catch up when I can, but overall, and sadly, the town is something I really don’t need to dwell upon.

31) Why won’t anyone: just give me one issue at Marvel comics, or any of the other publishers; Image, DC (Vertigo), Dark Horse, Oni. All I want is one issue of writing and I’ll be happy. I know I could do a decent job, and I would love to see more art accompany my words, that truly is a thrill that almost cannot be described. The trick is to then get other people to read it. One day, little fella, one day.

32) If you spend the night at my house: it’s probably because you are drunk. I used to pull all-nighters with my mates watching movies and talking trash, but that rarely seems to continue into adulthood, a shame really. I used to love getting five weekly movies for five dollars and just collapsing with some mates and junk food and enjoying classics as they should be enjoyed, in a dark room with a damn comfy couch. Now, whenever someone stays over it’s because dinner went long and the wine kept getting uncorked. It’s different, an fun, and a great excuse for that French toast to appear in the morning.

33) I’d stop my wedding: if the girl cheated on me or just didn’t turn up. Otherwise, it’s going ahead. I couldn’t think of many other reasons to pull off such a massive event from the social calendar.

34) The world could do without: probably about a billion people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they’re all lovely, but they didn’t all need to be created in the first place. People don’t mourn the loss of an egg each month when a lady flushes it away, so just think of it like that. I’m not talking death, those who are here can stay, I guess, but we need to curb how many more join our exclusive club. People hate when I talk about birthing licenses, but it makes sense to me. As someone who teaches our youth, trust me, I see all sorts of shit. People who should never have had a kid in the first place and will never be able to raise them successfully are allowed to have four of the little tackers because civil libertarians believe it’s everyone’s right to have a child. I say, no it’s not. It is not a right to procreate it is a privilege. To own a gun, fly a plane, drive a car, or collect for charity I need a license. I don’t expect to be allowed to do it because others can and I think it would be fun. I enter the correct social contract and I learn how to do it first. I think that one of the hardest things a person can do it raise a child. It takes nearly two decades and it’s all-consuming but people are allowed to do it no matter what they mental capacity or personal behaviour. I think that is reprehensible to put a child into a situation where it will never be given the full life set of needs that everyone has. The child rarely has a chance to succeed and that’s just a set up for failure. I think that if there was some accountability to have a child, some sort of set up fee or set of classes that must be completed before you could wield your sperm under your own control then that would solve so many dilemma we face as a violent and destructive society. The amount of kids I have taught who had learning difficulties because of brain damage suffered because of alcohol and drugs in the womb, or those who are the product of violent and broken homes all because the parents had a child because they thought it would be a lark or it would save the relationship, or they simply got knocked up and didn’t know what to do is insane. It’s unfair to lump it into society and expect it all to work out. It doesn’t because raising a child is a delicate science and it needs to be viewed as such, not just something any 18 year old can do because she’s bored and wants to create someone who has to love her, no matter what, because no one else will. That’s just not fair…rant over.

35) I’d rather lick the belly of a roach than: use my tongue on anything to do with cigarettes. The offensive sticks themselves are bad enough but the bottom of ashtrays looked so caked on and dry I could easily vomit if attempted, and just the thought is enough to give me a little bit of extra spit in my mouth. I also find that lighters and packets for cigarettes always seem to carry this greasy film that is so disgusting that I can never touch them, I feel like that film of filth will be on my fingers and then I’ll touch my face and then it’s all over. That business just makes my skin crawl and stomach churn.

36) My favourite thing is: to be so blissfully happy that the world disappears and I am left alone inside to just enjoy a bit of nothing. I get that when I do most things with my missus, it’s always just easy and awesome, and I get it when I read something really good. If I’m on the couch reading with my missus, then I could just stay that way forever.

37) Paper clips are more useful than: those things you actually need another tool to get it onto the stack of paper. I hate those things, then you can’t get the paper out and can never add another single sheet. They’re ridiculous and have no place in my office. I like a good set of stationary, especially because I keep so much paper and notes around. I like things to be ordered, even if only I know the order, that’s fine, so long as there is order of some kind for me to navigate. I clip things together, sort them into piles, put headings and numbers on sheets so I can find them and group them later. To do this a reliable set of stationary needs to be attained, and don’t get me what they call ‘large’ paper clips, those things suck, get me the absolute monsters, just plain metal, please.

38) And by the way: not all comic readers are socially inept nerds, or holier than thou elitists. Some of us are just guys who like a good yarn. And some of us even get laid, true story.

39) The last time I was (really) drunk: I decided to walk home, for 10 kilometres. My feet were sore, my shoes were wet, I almost fell down a two metre embankment, and it took me about two hours. But I did save on that cab fare home, huzzah.

40) My grandmother always: made snacks for me and my brothers; cupcakes, tuna casseroles, that sort of thing. I can remember one time she make Coco-Pop crackles that were so hard my brother and I couldn’t bite into them. We took them inside and threw them at the ground repeatedly. They never cracked, barely even dented. I still wonder what she put in them. Could eating concrete powder have had any lasting effects on me?

Posted on October 27th, 2009 by ryan
Filed under: life