The Web Haunt of Ryan K Lindsay

Look what I found, lurking about on the Lindsay Tartan covered chest I keep my old comics in, I found this week’s comics, and they just won’t shut up. Might as well have a chat, what do you say?

Alright, Spider-Woman, wow, I didn’t expect to see an Alex Maleev comic up first. How are you?

Spider-Woman: I am very pretty, that is how I am right now, Ryan.

I actually can’t argue with that, Maleev is doing a great job bringing all sorts of wonders to the page. That Madame Hydra on your cover is amazing and really pops off the racks.

Spider-Woman: I always love to pop my rack, Ryan.

I bet you do. Maleev also does a great job of selling us that wimpy little Skrull only to have him ‘hulk’ out and really show some bulk in a double page spread that looks very cool, just a shame that it took him six pages to get up to it, and the two pages to show it, that’s nearly half the comic.

Spider-Woman: Would you rush the moment where beauty heightens your senses and euphoria fills your mind and all becomes one in a simple orgasmic crashing moment, Ryan?

I kind of think I would, yeah. I’m sorry, Spider-Woman, you’re a very gorgeous book, and I rate Maleev as one of my all-time favourite artists, but I am, at heart, a writer groupie, and so I want my writing to match my art. Six pages to get across that the Skrull actually thought Spider-Woman was his queen and then to attack in a different form when he figures out she’s not is a little excessive. I know Stan Lee would have done it in one page, and I don’t want that, maybe three pages, but not six and a double page spread. You’ve become bloated with your own self-important and garish good looks and I want to see a brain behind the curtain a little bit and I feel like I haven’t, after four issues, which is a real shame. I want to trust the Bendis and Maleev teaming as I wholeheartedly did on Daredevil, but it’s been four issues and they’ve shown me that you went to Madripour, you were attacked by one Skrull, Madame Hydra picked you up from the cop shot, you went with her and then you busted up a Skrull she had in lock down. Four issues to show me that, seriously?

Spider-Woman: I also rate Maleev as one of my all-time favourite artists, if not the actual number one spot, and I am glad you take me seriously, Ryan.

…

Um, alright, let me just put it this way. This arc ends with issue seven, you have me until then, but unless you set up for a great follow up arc, and even then I’ll only be on for that one unless things improve, then you’re going to lose me because each month it takes me about three minutes to read you, and yes the art is phenomenally rendered, some of the prettiest pages and panels every week it ships, but I, personally, need more from my $ fix. You are not giving it to me so I cannot be your slave forever just because you look great. Impress me, give me depth of story or lose me forever.

Spider-Woman: Fair enough, Ryan. I do see your point and I know what you mean. I haven’t been doing much, and I know this, you think I don’t? I get like two major happenings each month, but I am trying and I am working on it. I can’t promise much, but I am sure that if you stick with me I will give you some things you absolutely could not get anywhere else. You just have to trust me and show a little blind faith. I think it’ll be worth it, Ryan.

I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t promise anything either.

Spider-Woman: Good, but also know, Ryan, that there are others that won’t leave me and you have to believe that. I’ll go on without you. And you’d just come to me in trade anyway, so remember who offers more and who holds the power. See you next time, Ryan.

Okay, she’s gone. Wow. Now let’s have some fun with my favourite four colour, four member family; the Fantastic Four is inviting us to Franklin’s birthday party.

FF: Come on in, the more the merrier, and the merrier more will be.

Great attitude, I love it. So what sort of birthday treats will we be getting from you guys.

FF: Well, it is a kid’s birthday party so don’t expect protesters getting shot in the heart or Norman Osborne chewing out Baron Von Strucker via vidphone, we won’t have that sort of thing in front of the kids.

What sort of things would you like in front of the kids?

FF: We’re really excited to get the Power Pack back together, and we even organised Spidey to turn up, crack a few jokes, eat some cake with his mask still on.

I saw that, who was the first guy in the Spidey costume, with the hairy gut and bad posture?

FF: I took his mask off for you, you don’t recognise him?

About as much as I recognise the other guy who crashes your party. Who was that guy anyway, he actually seemed pretty cool, and he didn’t do anything that bad?

FF: You obviously don’t have kids; he separated us from our little boy and girl, and I don’t care if he was feeding them rainbows and unicorns you don’t do that to a parent. But, otherwise, yeah I guess he didn’t actually do anything too wrong. I just wish he had taken the time to speak to us too.

You think he was some goon for the Beyonder, or maybe a Heroes Reborn throw-back, could even just be a music manager with that ponytail…?

FF: I don’t think he was any of that, I think he might be someone else even more familiar, but I’ll wait for the empirical data to show me the exact path…and what the hell is a Heroes Reborn?

Never mind. Thanks for the party and can’t wait to catch up next time.

FF: Our pleasure, hope you had fun, that’s what we aim for with a party, fun. But I’m sure next time you see us, being the imaginauts that we are, you’ll find us in some other crazy situation.

Oh, I dare say I will, and that’s why I love you at the moment, you’ve got the brains behind the writing, but the heart to drop a little done-in-one party to flat out enjoy. Cheers. And speaking of cheery, here’s Criminal. What’s happening, buddy?

Criminal: People are dying. There is absolutely no need to be so happy about it.

You’ll solve the case, or something, yeah?

Criminal: Maybe. But will that bring back the dead?

No, but they were bad guys anyway, who cares?

Criminal: I don’t care about the actual dead, but I care about the effect that has on others. I also care about my main boy, Lawless, and how having Hyde send him after the killer will affect him.

Well, Lawless is fucking Hyde’s wife, so maybe you should worry more about that.

Criminal: Maybe you should shut your mouth, and take that out of print.

Sure, here it goes “Lawless is fucking Hyde’s wife” Gone, okay, you happy now, you sick bastard?

Criminal. I am. Hey, I know you don’t I?

Uh…

Criminal: Yeah, I put that crappy essay of yours into publication last month, didn’t I? Australian Noir, or something.

Yeah, that was me. I see this month you followed it up with one titled Korean Noir, that’s pretty cool, have I started a trend?

Criminal: Yeah, you’ve reminded us why we want real authors to write out back matter. Nah, just kidding, you did a good job, kid. Your essay showed us all a great side to Australian cinema and this month we get a view on the Korean noir scene.

I wonder which country will be next?

Criminal: That Kiwi country next to you have any good flicks?

Great idea, thanks, Criminal.

Criminal: Don’t thank me just let me get back to investigating these deaths, talking to priests, beating up Triad whore-slashers just to get a meeting, and being pestered by U.S. Army officials looking to railroad good guys.

Sounds like you did a lot but it’s all leading up to something much more.

Criminal: Kid, you got no idea. This month was just setting up the pieces, next week we let those pieces fight a little, see who comes off the board. See you then, frontline, kid.

For sure. I’ll just go across and see What If? Daredevil Vs Elektra, it’s holding sway with heaps of people and dropping names like a B-lister at an A-list party. DDVE how are things?

DDVE: You know how things are, they’re awesome. Look at the people I got to catch up with, it’s like I fit two decades of Daredevil into one month, one issue. Better than one punch!?!? even.

I agree. You know, some of the first comics I can remember reading were old What If?s and I loved them, man, they were just awesome because they always packed so much punch. You got everything straight away and that was always cool. It’s not for every title, but it is cool to take a wicked little concept and extrapolate it into something that’s like a funhouse tunnel that seems to go on forever but it actually only takes a few minutes.

DDVE: Let me guess, you liked Agent Garrett being in there. No one’s seen him since Miller toyed with him in Elektra: assassin, and that scratched you right where you were itching, yeah?

Garrett was pretty cool, can’t work out if I love his hair or hate it, but for one issue I’ll deal.

DDVE: So it wasn’t Garrett, was it the New Chaste with Wolvie, Power Man, iron Fist, Echo, Black Widow, Echo, and the samurai guy (…?)?

No, but that was pretty cool. And before you ask, no it wasn’t the homage to the panel of Bullseye stabbing Elektra, though that was pretty awesome and well worked in, nor was it the sneaky reference to Born Again, or when Murdock took the gun apart because his gun has no bullets, though that part ranked pretty damn high.

DDVE: Was it all of the heads on the wall; I gave you Stick, Kingpin, Nick Fury, Baron Von Strucker, The Mandarin, Misty Knight, Colleen Wing?

No, but that was cool, in fact it’s something a bit more obvious and the sort of idea that always makes any What If? cooler.

DDVE: Oh, you mean the same thing that we did to Murdock many years back, don’t you?

Hell yeah, and it’s right on the cover. Elektra as a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. Now that’s an idea I can dig on.

DDVE: Well, as long as you appeciated the other hints.

Dude, I haven’t seen this level of Dredevil mythology love since I penned my own mini set at the end of Daredevil’s life. It’s got Tombstone, Bullseye Jr, Man-Bull, the Purple Man, as well as Havok, Angel, Liz Allen and Sam Guthrie. Maybe one day we’ll all be put into print.

DDVE: Maybe, best of luck to you. I hope people know to click this link to help you with that one.

They sure do now, thanks man, and now to have a chat to your parent title, the one and only, the actual Daredevil! Horn Head, I have to know, what did you do with the bodies?

DD: Come on, I don’t give these things away, you know that.

Yeah, but I have to ask. And is Murdock aware of Nelson being disbarred and Dakota getting her P.I. license revoked?

DD: He’s not. Yet. But what do you think will happen when he does.

I think he’ll get a dozen ninjas set up as bar associates and then he’ll fix the world. Well, maybe not that insane, but he’ll probably do something. I’m also interested to see how Siege will affect things and hopefully Steve Rogers takes over S.H.I.E.L.D. (which might be a book I could buy…) and then the cops and judges aren’t all in Osborne’s pocket.

DD: Until that happens, if it will at all idealistic one, we’ll just keep on fighting the good fight.

Will that fight lead you against Master Izo and his threats, or against the Owl or The Hood as many people believe they are working for them, or even against your own little Jiminy Cricket, The White Tiger? She’s really getting up in your ear.

DD: The greatest warrior needs a conscience to understand the full scope of the battlefield and its ripples into every day life.

Profound.

DD: You should say, you just wrote it. But coming from the mouth, or fingers, of a buffoon does not make it untrue. Hell’s Kitchen is warming up in a nice little crucible and reckonings will be made by many against more. The Hand is allied with Lord Daredevil and for better or worse he has to work that out. He has to use it, and know how he can use it, and do it well. To aim the Hand and strike untrue would cause more damage than could be told. Let’s all hope that Murdock knows what he is doing.

I’d say with Black tarantula also by his side he should be fine. I wonder if he knows what happened to the bodies, I should ask him.

DD: Maybe if he had his own mini you could quiz him on it.

Great idea, thanks DD. Catch you next week. And last but not least we’ll now see Weapon X. Right in the middle of this great Insane In The Brain arc and we finally get some idea of how and why Logan has ended up in the Dunwich Sanatorium.

X: Yes, we know why he is in there, his reporter friend sent himm a lead and he rashly launched himself into the thic of the fight without properly knowing his enemy. And just knowing how he got in does not tell us how he will get out.

It certainly doesn’t. Rottwell is an ex-patient who staged a violent coup and now runs the show with his God Brain Machine, which is creepy and awesome in equal doses.

X: It’s also pretty sexy, did you see the cans on that nurse broad in the opening scene. You like her acting chops?

I loved that scene. All the slowly dripping blood, the shadows, pitch perfect. She comes across as such a horror movie ditz and then you work out why, absolutely golden, and a great turn from her at the very end. I also like Rottwell and really hope he doesn’t die at the end of this arc. I want to see what he would try next if this is his first attempt at burning the world.

X: Oh, he’s a good one, alright. While your aksing, would you like anyone else to survive.

Well…I would like to see under the bandages of Dr Rot’s main nurse, she’s got a real Newman Xeno thing going on. And on the other end of the scale, can Logan please kill the real doctor before he goes, poor guy has no limbs and is licking himself around the completely unsanitary grounds of Rot’s lab. Gross.

X: I’ll see what I can do. But I can promise to give you some serious shocks and spills before Logan in an out-patient for Dunwich.

Awesome, because I am loving the shit out of this story. Paquette draws an awesome Wolvie and Logan, if you know what I mean, and Aaron continues to bring the crazy in a wicked way. I will surely be buying this Arc in trade to gift to someone next year, so you’ll get my money some more.

X: Excellent. Maybe I’ll pay those mob bosses who are about to storm Dunwich to track down Charlie Chainsaws, if those poor mob bosses survive what they don’t really know they are about to walk into.

Oh, yeah, Logan under the bone saw, brains in jars everywhere, mob bosses about to come in, reporters on their way, Charlie Chainsaws in the corner, and claws surely ready to be popped once more. Giddy up.

X: Giddy up indeed, amigo.

Amigo indeed. Wow, what a great haul of comics. I love you guys and thanks for the chat.

In Unison: Thanks for having us, Ryan. Any time, pal.

Any time indeed.

Posted on December 29th, 2009 by ryan
Filed under: comics